But something happened at the beginning of the year. I think I finally got over it. I can't pin an exact instance, but I think it was a combination of a book I read and a talk I listened to. Since then, I haven't had any of those days where I feel rotten or useless. And I haven't any of those days where I want to scream horrible things at her, and make her feel as bad as she made me feel.
So it's good to get away from that. I don't want her to turn me into a horrible person. She did enough damage already.
This isn't to say that I don't still get mad at her. But it's manageable. And I still hope I never have to see her again.
But I wrote the rest of this post before I "got over it." I'm kind of uncomfortable sharing it, but I think it needs to be done, in case it can help anyone else.
...
I thought I'd write a bit more about Spinel (after my first post). How parts of her story hit so close to what happened to me, with Ellen and Crystal too.
It's partially a vent, and partially for anyone who's felt something similar.
At the end, Spinel refers to the "old Spinel" as innocent, loving, and stupid.
"Innocent"
"Loving"
"Stupid"
I wonder if that's how they saw me. Was I just some stupid toy to them? Something they outgrew?
I sure felt "innocent and stupid" to have never noticed when things were going wrong. To put up with it for so long, thinking things would go back to the way they were.
The song Drift Away his me so hard. There were so many lines in it that struck home.
"That's what I'm after, the smile in her eyes, the sound of her laughter."
I always want to help my friends feel better when they're low. Whenever I feel bad, being with my friends made me happy. I wanted to do the same for them.
"You keep on turning pages
For people who don't care
People who don't care about you.
And still it takes you ages
To see that no one's there
See that no one's there
See that no one's there
Everyone's gone on without you"
I kept trying to fix things long after she'd decided to throw me away. I went through so much more pain trying to make things go back. I threw so much of myself out there, trying to make her understand. But it just hurt all the more that baring my soul meant nothing to her.
She never even had the guts to tell me that she was throwing me out. I found out when I saw them blatantly leave me out from something they knew I loved. Neither of them contacted me after that, and I have no desire to interact with either of them ever again.
"Finally something, finally news
About how the story ends.
...with all of her friends.
Isn't that lovely?
Isn't that cool?
And isn't that cruel,
And aren't I a fool to have
Happily listened
Happy to stay
Happily watching her drift away"
There was nothing happy about me listening to her. But seeing her there with those other friends that had excluded me is how I knew she'd trashed me.
And I felt like such an idiot for baring my soul out to someone who'd already decided I was useless. For putting up with it for so long. Even when she said from the very first that she wasn't sure we would be friends anymore. Because she decided I was hiding secret evil messages in my blog about her. And because I asked her to not be so harsh in critiquing my stories.
A couple years ago when I tried to tell a friend how Ellen made me feel, she asked me if I was depressed. I said no. But I have since seen a video about depression. And I guess I actually was depressed for a while.
Isn't that a great gift to get from one of your so-called "best friends?" Almost a years subscription to depression?
And interestingly enough, it was Steven Universe that helped start to knock me out of it.
I wrote about this some when it happened. But I'll mention it again now that I have better context in hindsight.
During that time, I didn't get excited about anything (hence the depression). I got sort of obsessed about some things (like Breath of the Wild, which was an excellent distraction). But even the Steven Universe episodes that were coming out then weren't of interest to me (starting from when Blue Diamond arrives). Steven was suddenly all angsty XD
Then came the episodes where Steven and Lars go to Homeworld. And that brought some excitement back to me.
Anyway, it's okay guys. It may be hard for a while. But find people to love. Find things to love about the world. Read or listen to the words of good or wise people. They're what eventually helped me out of this.
Life is change. And some changes are inevitable painful.
(Here's a post I made during the thick of it all, using Steven Universe lyrics - and Strange Mgic Lyrics - to help try to dig myself out of the hole).
And once again, Steven has a good line for this.
"Someday, somewhere, somehow, you'll love again.
Someday, somewhere, somehow you're gonna feel found."
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